Sharing the Quiet: Strengthening Intergenerational Relationships

By Kamryn Sierra Olds and Reverend Dr. Patricia Turner-Olds (M.A.C.E., Union-PSCE ’05)

Kamryn:  Granny, there are times when I imagine what my grandparents were like when they were my age: what they thought about; how they lived, navigated and experienced life? Was it is sometimes challenging to communicate across different generations, because the things that connect us are sometimes still hard to see? How much of what they experienced is similar to, or like my own?  Or, was it completely different; a product of time too foreign for me to understand?  What knowledge can this generation share, and what remains un-shareable and untranslatable across the gulf of time?  I struggle to conceptualize what holds generations together and what keeps them apart, because when I look at the generations of all ages, I cannot help but see myself in them.

This shared intergenerational quietness is also preventing us from truly being with each other: hearing, knowing and seeing each other completely.  When I look at the older generations, I see people I do not fully know. You speak to me, yet I feel your silence; a perpetual silence that has been passed from one generation to the next.  Even in shouts of celebration and triumph, the silence is still there.

I struggle to conceptualize what holds generations together and what keeps them apart; silence has shaped or is shaping our being.  It is sometimes challenging to communicate across different generations because the things that connect us are also sometimes the things that divide us.  It is difficult to understand pain differently than mine even if it comes from the same place, a different time and is one of the essential things we share.  We must continue trying to identify and decode the similarities because every generation must tell their own most difficult stories buried beneath the unconscious quiet.  Perhaps openly sharing our differences will bring us closer to understanding the deep intergenerational connections we feel and have.

Patricia:  Kamryn Sierra, thank you for sharing your truths.  I must admit that at first, I struggled with the concept of intergenerational silence, but the more I listened to your silence and thoughts, I could hear your voice and heart. Over the years, I have learned that listening is paramount to dialogue, learning, thinking, and that one is often heard even when one feels they are not, which is necessary for intergenerational relationships.  You are reminding my generation that there are some stories that should not be hidden and how important it is to feel, hear, listen and learn so we do not wrongly misinterpret your embodied silence and noise. How important it is to stay connected to you so that your seemingly perpetual unsaid is not dividing, separating or impacting generational relationships; a perceived intergenerational disconnect that has historically proven itself to be unacceptable in the eyes of God because the old teaching the young requires all to be in relationship with each other. The African Proverb says, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  Dr. James Cone said the role of schools, and I add parents and grandparents, is to equip you with listening skills and to teach you how to think, but, not what to think.

The story about your early childhood (your mother telling you to sit still, be quiet, listen to me and follow me), and your definition for silence (a positive and negative complete suppression of voice and body) awakened my own childhood memories of being seen and not heard; beliefs and feelings of being excluded, invisible and unimportant, unless invited to speak.  Most of the time I found myself wearing a mask and listening to my negative thoughts that were dismissing and/or devaluing my personhood which was created in the likeness and image of God.  Unknown to me at the time, this intergenerational embedded and embodied teaching of ‘listen, sit still and be quiet’ was then and is now an intergenerational life lesson taught in historical classrooms where the intergenerational practice of being slow to speak was a protective method for us to use when asking life questions about the what, why, when and how related to living life in a multi-cultural world where the thoughts of others are varied.

So, Kami, are you asking us to unlock what is inside us? What is our silence saying to you? How can we strengthen our multi-generational relationships?  How much have you learned from the silence about your culture, content and context? What is silence revealing to you about yourself – mind, body, spirit and soul?  Of the multiple generational voices heard, which generation has the strongest or weakest voice and why?  From observation and conversation, what are you learning that is shaping and nurturing your life? How much did older generations tell you about – silence – reason and rationale?  What do you want to know about the generations before you?  Why have you not asked them questions?

Your childhood memory also led me to reflect upon the parable of the sower and mustard seed. The parable teaches not only about blooms, branches, tiny mustard seeds, tree roots, and soil types; but it also paints an image of a blooming fruit tree, insight into the differences between failure, opportunities and possibilities.  Kamryn Sierra, no matter where God plants you, bloom. For you are a descendent of blooming mustard seed tree branches and have been watered, fertilized and nurtured by generations of those you have interpreted as being silent voices.  Emily Townes says, and I agree, we cannot live life in the folds of our old wounds; that was then, and this is now.  The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”  I believe this digital age of mystical silence is inviting and inspiring all of us to develop listening skills for sharing our soul’s heartfelt hopes, thoughts, dreams, imagination, and visions across generations for we live in an era of time when all generations are both learners and teachers.  Living our lives forward in today’s world helps to bring in the next generation for, ‘I am because you are and you are because I am.’

*Patricia Turner Olds,  M.A.C.E., Union-PSCE ’05; D.Ed. Min., Columbia Theological Seminary’16.  Kamryn Sierra Olds, teenaged granddaughter.